confessions of a martyr

I can't differentiate the difference between missing you and breaking up.  I realize now that in many ways we were good for each other, but when we aren't physically together, and there are months and months ahead of us, love is just not enough.  I know it should be.  And I am trying to make it work, but I don't know the difference between what I need and what I want anymore.  My favourite parts of you don't exist through the phone.  The forehead kisses, the giggles, the tears and the comfort.  None of that is even available to me anymore.  You are a different cyber human to me now.  Sure, I can think positively, and fight through this, no one said it was going to be easy.  But is it worth it when there is more suffering than good at this point?.., You aren't even doing anything wrong, you are living the same life we did, only this time we aren't together.  I feel like even though we love each other, we are trying to survive without one another and that feels a lot like what it did when we broke up.

You are hot and cold too.  Mostly because I smother when I'm anxious and you draw back.  So maybe you are doing something wrong, its like you don't see the point in being fully in now, because we are going to be us again once we are physically together again.  But for me, I have needs. I need to feel special on a daily basis.  I am a hopeless romantic.  But I don't want it from just anyone, I want it from you.  I've wanted it from you since I met you. 

You talk about me to your friends in a way you rarely mention to me.  You paint this future, this very bright future, of marriage and kids, almost like you can read it on your palm.  You talk about how great we are, and how we have no secrets, yet sometimes I feel like I'm not telling you everything. 

I have a way about me, I connect with people.  But this spark and fascination doesn't happen for me.  I see that future you paint too, I mean, I have always been sure of you, but you have so much to work through, that it is taking a toll on me and my hope for us.

Is it time to walk away so that we remember our lives without one another.  I've talked to you every single day, since I met you (just about).  And you've always told me you will always love me, no doubt. 

But all these promises and future desires are not enough to keep me afloat right now.  I am not with you right now, and you're not good at filling that void, I think because you don't know what it is that you want for the next 10 months either.

On the days that are good, I smile, on the days I cry, I write about it, on the days where we don't communicate the way i'd like to, I just tell myself that I have to take it one day at a time.

This is hard.  I don't know who to talk to because I'm trying to be a martyr.   Like I have something to prove or something.  But I don't think this is a representation of our love for each other in  a negative light, its just that we have always done everything together, we don't know how to effectively do this distance.

The first 3 months are done, and I am proud of us, and more so of myself.  I have grown up so much already.  I feel like I am rediscovering myself through all this, and that's like a huge breath of fresh air.  He sees it too, and recognizes my progress, which I like.

At the end of every rant, I never give up, I always just tell myself that we will figure it out like we always do.  But maybe I need to start listening to my rants and behaving and reacting accordingly.  I can't be suffering, I don't want that, and he would be so disappointed in me if I allowed that.  He is ok, because he doesn't have the capacity that I do...

For now, I'll just leave it at that.

the love stories we see in movies

How is that that the people we love most we have to sometimes protect ourselves from?  Imagine yourself fully in the mists of lust, entangled with a body you crave, tasting the sweat of a man that you would simply give up anything for.  Wrapped up in this sweet and tender warmth, you feel like nothing could possible go wrong.  Your world slows down, and you actually think “Do other people feel love like this?”.  Melodies play in your head like you’re in one of those movies that girls watch and romanticize about such a love story.  Here you are, co-existing with someone that makes you glow.  

Now wedge a cold breeze between you.  Imagine distance so far that you physically feel yourself stretched too thin.  That lust and magic simmering to a mere memory until next time.  Can you feel that chaos of panic in the vast nothingness that lies between you?  A man who once used to be kissing your neck and solving mazes in your eyes, can only show you love in words now.  His touch is found through words on a screen or echoing into my ear, while he sits where he is and I sit far from that place.  I hear that beautifully tragic song play in the background, the part of the movie where girls cry and beg for lovers to find each other again.  Your life turns into a something people read about in Nicolas Sparks books.  Your own Notebook affair.  

How do we survive these love stories? Is it through accepting the voids we feel, distracting ourselves from the suffering, or believing in the romance.  Do we listen to our voices? Who holds me now?  What is the lesson here?  Does distance really make the heart grow fonder?  I can embrace myself and call myself beautiful, but I love it so much more when he touches the crook of my neck and kisses my forehead and says “God, you’re beautiful”.   I can tell myself that it’s going to be ok, but I love it so much more when he he wipes my tears for me, when he pulls me into him and holds me and i feel his chest pound, and says “ Don’t be sad, because sad backwards is das and das not good”.  I love it when he makes me grin when I’m crying, only he can find a way to do that.  

So do we miss each other, and live this way til I get to take hold of his hand again and play with this fingers like a little girl fascinated by such manly hands.  Do I say over and over, “I love you a lottle, it’s like a little except a lot”.. Does he tell me he misses his baby girl each time he feels that void ache?