I can't differentiate the difference between missing you and breaking up. I realize now that in many ways we were good for each other, but when we aren't physically together, and there are months and months ahead of us, love is just not enough. I know it should be. And I am trying to make it work, but I don't know the difference between what I need and what I want anymore. My favourite parts of you don't exist through the phone. The forehead kisses, the giggles, the tears and the comfort. None of that is even available to me anymore. You are a different cyber human to me now. Sure, I can think positively, and fight through this, no one said it was going to be easy. But is it worth it when there is more suffering than good at this point?.., You aren't even doing anything wrong, you are living the same life we did, only this time we aren't together. I feel like even though we love each other, we are trying to survive without one another and that feels a lot like what it did when we broke up.
You are hot and cold too. Mostly because I smother when I'm anxious and you draw back. So maybe you are doing something wrong, its like you don't see the point in being fully in now, because we are going to be us again once we are physically together again. But for me, I have needs. I need to feel special on a daily basis. I am a hopeless romantic. But I don't want it from just anyone, I want it from you. I've wanted it from you since I met you.
You talk about me to your friends in a way you rarely mention to me. You paint this future, this very bright future, of marriage and kids, almost like you can read it on your palm. You talk about how great we are, and how we have no secrets, yet sometimes I feel like I'm not telling you everything.
I have a way about me, I connect with people. But this spark and fascination doesn't happen for me. I see that future you paint too, I mean, I have always been sure of you, but you have so much to work through, that it is taking a toll on me and my hope for us.
Is it time to walk away so that we remember our lives without one another. I've talked to you every single day, since I met you (just about). And you've always told me you will always love me, no doubt.
But all these promises and future desires are not enough to keep me afloat right now. I am not with you right now, and you're not good at filling that void, I think because you don't know what it is that you want for the next 10 months either.
On the days that are good, I smile, on the days I cry, I write about it, on the days where we don't communicate the way i'd like to, I just tell myself that I have to take it one day at a time.
This is hard. I don't know who to talk to because I'm trying to be a martyr. Like I have something to prove or something. But I don't think this is a representation of our love for each other in a negative light, its just that we have always done everything together, we don't know how to effectively do this distance.
The first 3 months are done, and I am proud of us, and more so of myself. I have grown up so much already. I feel like I am rediscovering myself through all this, and that's like a huge breath of fresh air. He sees it too, and recognizes my progress, which I like.
At the end of every rant, I never give up, I always just tell myself that we will figure it out like we always do. But maybe I need to start listening to my rants and behaving and reacting accordingly. I can't be suffering, I don't want that, and he would be so disappointed in me if I allowed that. He is ok, because he doesn't have the capacity that I do...
For now, I'll just leave it at that.
