Details

The details aren't fun. I can just picture if and it pollutes my mind. It doesn't seem fair that you have to go through all this alone and I have to be alone hearing about it. All the details are painting a real picture and making all of this a whole lot scarier. I hope that when the storm passes and you aren't washed away too. I won't be strong enough to face that.  A part of me is glad I'm far from you because I'm certain i would be going a whole lot crazier having you near but not having the ability to see you and tell you I love you. I'm supposed to show you that I'm upset with you, disappointed, prove to you that you can't get away with this. But if I could see you. I'd hold you and cry. If I'm this scared I can't imagine how scared you are. I know you're fighting the people around you, but you don't mean it. You're lashing out because you're lost. You aren't sure what you're doing are you? No one understands you. But you're not giving them a chance to try. It's not defeat... Allow them to care the only way they know how. You haven't lost this isn't the end. This is recovery. And you're going to need us. I'm scared for you and my heart is breaking with each update. I only pray that you confront this monster and slay it. I only wish that you see the love that surrounds you and commit to not throwing that away again 

mostly sad

I didn't really know how to tackle today.

I had therapy first thing, I knew that, I knew I'd only have time to speak about you.

I was anxious. very very anxious. Mostly because I wasn't angry with you today. 

Today that rage had left and I felt very alone.

I know that I'm doing whats best for both of us by keeping my distance.

I can't allow you to justify this behaviour anymore, and to be perfectly honest I'm not to sure I would know how to be a positive figure for you right now.  Im hurting.

I cried today, more than I've cried in a long time.  I just feel so empty.

I spoke of every decision I've made so far.  Our last conversation, my conversation revealing everything to your mom, my conversation with my mom, wringing my letter to you, adams help, my decision to leave you alone, my decision to let you heal without me, my decision to show you that you could lose it all, my decision to be harsh, my decision to be stern, to stand my ground, to show you a lesson. And sure, congratulate me for being able to do all of this, but you know me, I don't want to. I'm me, i make the right choices.  You know me, I think the things you think but then you go ahead and do them.  Thats the difference babe. And I am so badly hurting that you would do this to me.  I know, of course I can find a way to make this about me ... but the thing is it isn't about me... this is about us and how we operate.  How am I supposed to do this without you, how am I supposed to go through my days without having you there, you're the only person that is fully fully committed to solving my hazel mazes.  And the scary thing is... you are gone right now as if you had died, as if you had succeeded and I;m getting a taste of what it would be like to lose you, and it fucking terrifies me.  It makes me feel weak, alone, and empty.  You know that this is not ok.  Today was so so hard, because the only person I wanted to call when i was crying was YOU because thats what I always do... but I can call you when its you I'm crying over. Its Austin all over.  I'm losing my person.  I can't do that again hjs, I won't survive it.  I'm so terrified of what I'll become.  So yes, I can talk the talk and I will be that harsh rock for now if thats what i need to be.  But I am so so empty and sad.  I just want to be with you, hold you, and tell you that I love you.  I want to cry and scream and tell you that I hate you for trying to leave.  Im wondering what our first words will be and when they will be exchanged.  I can't handle any of this.  Everything screams YOU.  I wear your clothes, the gifts you bought me, the songs you sang to me, the songs i played for you, the songs we danced to, the things you say to me echoes in my head, the things you get mad at me about I'm reminded of, the pictures I want to send you, the pictures i'm not getting.  I can't go on this way and to think you were ready to rip this from me forever. why would you hurt me like this?

today anyway was a good one

It's been a while.  translating feelings to words. capturing that low and using it as reasons to write.  i have not been able to write.  I can't find the right ways to express what it is that is bottled up.  i scream sometimes, but that it.

but today was magical. so so very great.