I'm still looking

I have struggled over the years admitting that I was depressed. I thought it meant I was weak, or lazy, or a way to take the easy way out. The past six years have been a rough battle for me. And what I’ve finally come to realize is that depression isn’t something that you can ignore, it won’t just disappear one day, and if you suppress it enough, it will lead you to darkness.

I have had to overcome loss, insomnia, suicidal thoughts, isolation, and emotional outbursts. I have been in so many doctors offices i’ve lost count. I have talked to several psychologist and a psychiatrist, I have been assessed for bi-polar disorder, I have joined group therapy groups. I have started self-help therapy programs, I have called help lines, I have been prescribed anti-depressants. Needless to say, there are a lot of resources out there to ‘cure’ depression. I’ve come to the conclusion that there is nothing you can do to make the darkness go away. Unfortunately, if you are born with depression, it is your sidekick for life.

I will never belittle the resources that are available for improving mental health, I do believe that cognitive therapy is a valuable outlet for victims that are able to express their feelings aloud. And that is the main goal isn't it, finding your outlet? I disagree. Sure, a good cry, scream, outburst, what have you, feels euphoric short-term. But. what about when that warm feeling subsides and you are back with your nasty sidekick. I would argue that outbursts are a good way of expressing or releasing that inner tension but fails to alleviate it.

So how does one alleviate that thief inside of them?


Find a connection. Find something that makes you fight. Find something that allows you to find worth in moments. Find support. Find peace. Find beauty.

Can’t find it?
Search harder?
Fuck, I don’t know.