confessions of a martyr

I can't differentiate the difference between missing you and breaking up.  I realize now that in many ways we were good for each other, but when we aren't physically together, and there are months and months ahead of us, love is just not enough.  I know it should be.  And I am trying to make it work, but I don't know the difference between what I need and what I want anymore.  My favourite parts of you don't exist through the phone.  The forehead kisses, the giggles, the tears and the comfort.  None of that is even available to me anymore.  You are a different cyber human to me now.  Sure, I can think positively, and fight through this, no one said it was going to be easy.  But is it worth it when there is more suffering than good at this point?.., You aren't even doing anything wrong, you are living the same life we did, only this time we aren't together.  I feel like even though we love each other, we are trying to survive without one another and that feels a lot like what it did when we broke up.

You are hot and cold too.  Mostly because I smother when I'm anxious and you draw back.  So maybe you are doing something wrong, its like you don't see the point in being fully in now, because we are going to be us again once we are physically together again.  But for me, I have needs. I need to feel special on a daily basis.  I am a hopeless romantic.  But I don't want it from just anyone, I want it from you.  I've wanted it from you since I met you. 

You talk about me to your friends in a way you rarely mention to me.  You paint this future, this very bright future, of marriage and kids, almost like you can read it on your palm.  You talk about how great we are, and how we have no secrets, yet sometimes I feel like I'm not telling you everything. 

I have a way about me, I connect with people.  But this spark and fascination doesn't happen for me.  I see that future you paint too, I mean, I have always been sure of you, but you have so much to work through, that it is taking a toll on me and my hope for us.

Is it time to walk away so that we remember our lives without one another.  I've talked to you every single day, since I met you (just about).  And you've always told me you will always love me, no doubt. 

But all these promises and future desires are not enough to keep me afloat right now.  I am not with you right now, and you're not good at filling that void, I think because you don't know what it is that you want for the next 10 months either.

On the days that are good, I smile, on the days I cry, I write about it, on the days where we don't communicate the way i'd like to, I just tell myself that I have to take it one day at a time.

This is hard.  I don't know who to talk to because I'm trying to be a martyr.   Like I have something to prove or something.  But I don't think this is a representation of our love for each other in  a negative light, its just that we have always done everything together, we don't know how to effectively do this distance.

The first 3 months are done, and I am proud of us, and more so of myself.  I have grown up so much already.  I feel like I am rediscovering myself through all this, and that's like a huge breath of fresh air.  He sees it too, and recognizes my progress, which I like.

At the end of every rant, I never give up, I always just tell myself that we will figure it out like we always do.  But maybe I need to start listening to my rants and behaving and reacting accordingly.  I can't be suffering, I don't want that, and he would be so disappointed in me if I allowed that.  He is ok, because he doesn't have the capacity that I do...

For now, I'll just leave it at that.

the love stories we see in movies

How is that that the people we love most we have to sometimes protect ourselves from?  Imagine yourself fully in the mists of lust, entangled with a body you crave, tasting the sweat of a man that you would simply give up anything for.  Wrapped up in this sweet and tender warmth, you feel like nothing could possible go wrong.  Your world slows down, and you actually think “Do other people feel love like this?”.  Melodies play in your head like you’re in one of those movies that girls watch and romanticize about such a love story.  Here you are, co-existing with someone that makes you glow.  

Now wedge a cold breeze between you.  Imagine distance so far that you physically feel yourself stretched too thin.  That lust and magic simmering to a mere memory until next time.  Can you feel that chaos of panic in the vast nothingness that lies between you?  A man who once used to be kissing your neck and solving mazes in your eyes, can only show you love in words now.  His touch is found through words on a screen or echoing into my ear, while he sits where he is and I sit far from that place.  I hear that beautifully tragic song play in the background, the part of the movie where girls cry and beg for lovers to find each other again.  Your life turns into a something people read about in Nicolas Sparks books.  Your own Notebook affair.  

How do we survive these love stories? Is it through accepting the voids we feel, distracting ourselves from the suffering, or believing in the romance.  Do we listen to our voices? Who holds me now?  What is the lesson here?  Does distance really make the heart grow fonder?  I can embrace myself and call myself beautiful, but I love it so much more when he touches the crook of my neck and kisses my forehead and says “God, you’re beautiful”.   I can tell myself that it’s going to be ok, but I love it so much more when he he wipes my tears for me, when he pulls me into him and holds me and i feel his chest pound, and says “ Don’t be sad, because sad backwards is das and das not good”.  I love it when he makes me grin when I’m crying, only he can find a way to do that.  

So do we miss each other, and live this way til I get to take hold of his hand again and play with this fingers like a little girl fascinated by such manly hands.  Do I say over and over, “I love you a lottle, it’s like a little except a lot”.. Does he tell me he misses his baby girl each time he feels that void ache?  

why?

1. your goofy giggle

2. the way you change lyrics

3. your almond eyes

4. the drastic difference between your hyper self
 and calm demeanour 

5. how having me to yourself turns you on 

6. the way you explain things. You have this adorable voice
 you put on and you sound so sexy and smart,
never condescending unless you are purposely being a lil shit

7. you never judge me 

8. you cried when you told me how much you loved me the other day.

9. You talk about the kind of dad you'll be

10. You let me love you the way I want to, SO MUCH LOVE

1) your grin when you know you're wrong but try and
 force me to believe you're right 

2) similar grin when your right and I'm wrong and
you force me to admit it
3) your lips. 

4) your family values 

5) I love how you are always trying to be better 

6) I also love how I don't feel judged by you 

7) I love how you always are open sexually 

8) I love how you're honest with me even when you think
 I might not like the topic of conversation 

9) I love how you have such passion for life and even in your darkest
moments you seem to see the light in everything 

10) I love your commitment. In everything and anything. I love you 

I'm still looking

I have struggled over the years admitting that I was depressed. I thought it meant I was weak, or lazy, or a way to take the easy way out. The past six years have been a rough battle for me. And what I’ve finally come to realize is that depression isn’t something that you can ignore, it won’t just disappear one day, and if you suppress it enough, it will lead you to darkness.

I have had to overcome loss, insomnia, suicidal thoughts, isolation, and emotional outbursts. I have been in so many doctors offices i’ve lost count. I have talked to several psychologist and a psychiatrist, I have been assessed for bi-polar disorder, I have joined group therapy groups. I have started self-help therapy programs, I have called help lines, I have been prescribed anti-depressants. Needless to say, there are a lot of resources out there to ‘cure’ depression. I’ve come to the conclusion that there is nothing you can do to make the darkness go away. Unfortunately, if you are born with depression, it is your sidekick for life.

I will never belittle the resources that are available for improving mental health, I do believe that cognitive therapy is a valuable outlet for victims that are able to express their feelings aloud. And that is the main goal isn't it, finding your outlet? I disagree. Sure, a good cry, scream, outburst, what have you, feels euphoric short-term. But. what about when that warm feeling subsides and you are back with your nasty sidekick. I would argue that outbursts are a good way of expressing or releasing that inner tension but fails to alleviate it.

So how does one alleviate that thief inside of them?


Find a connection. Find something that makes you fight. Find something that allows you to find worth in moments. Find support. Find peace. Find beauty.

Can’t find it?
Search harder?
Fuck, I don’t know.

quick.

1. we both are pathetically in love

2. we are best friends

3. i feel safe, like you'd protect me from anything

4. i find it FUN to think about you

5. we both want the good the bad the ugly

6. we push each other to be better

7. we don't care who is watching-  we will be absolute goofs

8. i don't care about anything else when i'm around you

9. we both are just down to explore

10. silence is comfortable 

shadows

“We’re all going to die, all of us. What a circus! That alone should make us love each other, but it doesn’t. We are terrorized and flattened by trivialities; we are eaten up by nothing.”

words mean something

'sometimes I feel you're the best thing that's happened to me lately'

hazel

It bursts
through you,
This warmth,
that heals mangled hearts.

Plagued by you,
I'm wrapped up
in the precious.

Making air glitter,
and silence sing,
that gloom escapes,
no longer a tragic beauty.

Lost, you may
solve hazel mazes.
two misguided bodies
who
spin.

Captive,
imprisoned by that warmth again.
You're an absolute mishap.
Blurred risks,
we lay in safe rubble.

I hold dear, that breath
I stole.

feel blue, think green, shine yellow
adventure queen
O - Coldplay 

enough

things that make me smile..

playing guitar

sweating

lifting weights

chase challenging me

new coaching job

working with kids

the sun

running

the water

beautiful views

coldplay

calls from jess

the honest answers people gave me

people recognizing my strengths

my dad is coming to visit

spending time with my friends again

my dads ridiculous posts on Facebook

my mom confiding in me

i've lost weight

i feel stronger

memories of this summer

my new degree 

I'm going into final year

i have so much love that surrounds me

being self aware

I'm writing again

i want to be writing again

singing

maybe writing a song?

liv, what a fucking gem

chris, never failing to spark a smile

josh, for reminding me that i may have lost a lot but i have so much

tacos! 

i bought cheese

getting dad birthday gift

feeling less suffocated

forgiveness

commitment to my best self

flipping

therapy

my friends who step up

not being afraid of being honest even if it makes me vulnerable 

moving in with pete

jamming out with pete

learning again

all my adventures with boyceman

laughing

getting points in jeopardy 

meeting new people

getting my tattoo 

avicii songs

sky full of stars 

my love for music

dancing 

handstands

coaching again

halifax

being spontaneous

road tripping

boyce reading out loud to me

finding out that i can nap

sleeping incredibly well

finding mornings fine

coffee

things I'm tired of...

'are you ok?'

'when is your next appointment'

being afraid to be alone

needing

eating unhealthy shit

walking up hills when i should be running them

not seeing Bren

my shoulder injury

nikker not being nikker

my sisters fighting

my family fighting

missing people

people telling me i give too much

giving too much

the radio

bills, i don't even have many

visa

pleasing others 

therapy

empty promises

empty statements

depending on people

needing approval 

missing home

being called a lesbian

being called judgemental

not liking chicken

bleeding

relationships

needing to be held

thinking I'm weak but knowing I'm strong

crying in front of people

vulnerability 

peoples opinions 

days that go by slowly 

not being busy

'you've gone through so much'

'retarded'

questions

my messy house

living with boys

being confused

being dehydrated

not finishing books, i have 3 on the go now

winter coming

being so self aware

forgiving 

being bullied

constantly trying 

headaches 

my kneecap being bruised

ego

lies

alcohol 

weed

coke

giving up when a run is hard

bulking up

lying to people

hormones

zits

being tired of things

complaining when i have so much to be happy about

thinking more about what I'm losing or lost then what I'm so lucky to have

laundry

junk mail 

my phone

texting

people not answering

caring so much about what people are doing

plans falling through

guarded

Wrapped up tight
in the precious.
I feel bound.

Sometimes this is a restraint,
I hide in your chest,
utterly ignorant.

Free it seems,
guarded I am.
Protecting myself
and silencing
suppressed melodies.

I'd paint your world,
we'd run wild.
I'd call you mine
and we'd shine.

Two stories laced
like webs of struggle
and repaired hearts.

Exposed and insane.
I want to stop hiding
but still be wrapped up
tight in the precious.

feel blue, think green, shine yellow,
adventurequeen

coldplay-charlie brown

?

I've been toying so much with the heaviness,
Those ideas that are not my own.
The pressures to identify exactly what something is
As if the fact that its special,
just won't suffice.

This dark cloud follows me around.

But when I breathe, and I'm me,
and I'm with you,
Its peachy,
I love it, actually.

So, why not be my best self?
Let the clouds clear..
Be the girl that sees the best in people,
and isn't afraid to just simply be.

I know,
I feel,
And I smile.

If I know only the truth,
If I feel lovely,
If my cheeks ache when I leave you..

As of right now,
what the fuck is the problem?