Details

The details aren't fun. I can just picture if and it pollutes my mind. It doesn't seem fair that you have to go through all this alone and I have to be alone hearing about it. All the details are painting a real picture and making all of this a whole lot scarier. I hope that when the storm passes and you aren't washed away too. I won't be strong enough to face that.  A part of me is glad I'm far from you because I'm certain i would be going a whole lot crazier having you near but not having the ability to see you and tell you I love you. I'm supposed to show you that I'm upset with you, disappointed, prove to you that you can't get away with this. But if I could see you. I'd hold you and cry. If I'm this scared I can't imagine how scared you are. I know you're fighting the people around you, but you don't mean it. You're lashing out because you're lost. You aren't sure what you're doing are you? No one understands you. But you're not giving them a chance to try. It's not defeat... Allow them to care the only way they know how. You haven't lost this isn't the end. This is recovery. And you're going to need us. I'm scared for you and my heart is breaking with each update. I only pray that you confront this monster and slay it. I only wish that you see the love that surrounds you and commit to not throwing that away again 

mostly sad

I didn't really know how to tackle today.

I had therapy first thing, I knew that, I knew I'd only have time to speak about you.

I was anxious. very very anxious. Mostly because I wasn't angry with you today. 

Today that rage had left and I felt very alone.

I know that I'm doing whats best for both of us by keeping my distance.

I can't allow you to justify this behaviour anymore, and to be perfectly honest I'm not to sure I would know how to be a positive figure for you right now.  Im hurting.

I cried today, more than I've cried in a long time.  I just feel so empty.

I spoke of every decision I've made so far.  Our last conversation, my conversation revealing everything to your mom, my conversation with my mom, wringing my letter to you, adams help, my decision to leave you alone, my decision to let you heal without me, my decision to show you that you could lose it all, my decision to be harsh, my decision to be stern, to stand my ground, to show you a lesson. And sure, congratulate me for being able to do all of this, but you know me, I don't want to. I'm me, i make the right choices.  You know me, I think the things you think but then you go ahead and do them.  Thats the difference babe. And I am so badly hurting that you would do this to me.  I know, of course I can find a way to make this about me ... but the thing is it isn't about me... this is about us and how we operate.  How am I supposed to do this without you, how am I supposed to go through my days without having you there, you're the only person that is fully fully committed to solving my hazel mazes.  And the scary thing is... you are gone right now as if you had died, as if you had succeeded and I;m getting a taste of what it would be like to lose you, and it fucking terrifies me.  It makes me feel weak, alone, and empty.  You know that this is not ok.  Today was so so hard, because the only person I wanted to call when i was crying was YOU because thats what I always do... but I can call you when its you I'm crying over. Its Austin all over.  I'm losing my person.  I can't do that again hjs, I won't survive it.  I'm so terrified of what I'll become.  So yes, I can talk the talk and I will be that harsh rock for now if thats what i need to be.  But I am so so empty and sad.  I just want to be with you, hold you, and tell you that I love you.  I want to cry and scream and tell you that I hate you for trying to leave.  Im wondering what our first words will be and when they will be exchanged.  I can't handle any of this.  Everything screams YOU.  I wear your clothes, the gifts you bought me, the songs you sang to me, the songs i played for you, the songs we danced to, the things you say to me echoes in my head, the things you get mad at me about I'm reminded of, the pictures I want to send you, the pictures i'm not getting.  I can't go on this way and to think you were ready to rip this from me forever. why would you hurt me like this?

today anyway was a good one

It's been a while.  translating feelings to words. capturing that low and using it as reasons to write.  i have not been able to write.  I can't find the right ways to express what it is that is bottled up.  i scream sometimes, but that it.

but today was magical. so so very great.

this moment

things i'm excited about..
school is almost over
my sister visited
we were wild
i start working out tomorrow
my workout plan is tough
my protein powder came in
yumm
snail mail is on its way
i'm fascinated
its warming up a bit
i'm running tomorrow morning
we are talking
i am playing guitar
i am attempting to sing and play

things i'm tired of...
being lazy
thinking slowly
moving slowly
missing home
drinking
smoking
stealing
school work
stale music playlists
the mess i always have to clean
being told I'm not contributing
crying
breakdowns
being tired
feeling blah
and fat
and blah
have little to no energy
spending lots of time in bed
not being as connected as we normally are
dreaming about people i can't talk to
knowing i broke a heart
twice
talking to people i know
i let down
or they let me down
not writing

i wish i was writing

I'm tired of nonsense

I'm tired of...

playing the victim.

feeling sad because

i've lost someone.

wondering why they did it.

pretending i'm not afraid.

knowing i'm lying.

stealing.

losing sleep over 

trivial things.

wanting to be some place

but not having the resources.

being injured.

not running.

picturing what he found.

sitting in depressing classes

about how people will never

act differently.

knowing that our future is 

scary.

planning.

lists.

meetings.

feeling like i'm blah.

your questions.

the word governance.

forgetting that in 30 years

it won't matter.

not being kissed.

putting other things before 

more important things.

being tired.

being sick.

feeling thrown around

by

my

own

mind.

To my lovely..

To my lovely,

I want you to know
that I know you're struggling.
I can see you're struggling.
It's ok.

You're beautiful,
so bold, you're my girl.
Yet, you keep so distant from me!
I promise you I'm ready to squeeze you.

Ask for help,
tell me whats on that brain of yours.
I'm tired of small talk.
This isn't us.

We are supposed to be 
how we always are.
I want to watch ridiculous movies,
and have tea, 
talk about boys,
joke about what is our lives.

I complain and you justify,
I justify, and you dig for the truth.
You tell the truth, and I return it.
We love, we laugh, we're us.

I know I haven't been 
all there either, but 
apart of me doesn't
want to touch all the nonsense.
Maybe you don't want to either.

But I know nothing.
I don't know how your night 
out was.
You don't tell me funny stories,
Do you forget that I care?
The small things are what
makes a friendship,
so tell me when you embarrassed yourself,
or when you got way too drunk,
or when you forgot about your midterm.

I miss you,
and not because I'm here
and you're there
but because we aren't anywhere.

I'm lost without my friend.
Lets go to the baseball game

Sincerely,
me

new girl ah!

sick n tiresome

im tired of...
people
who are so self involved.
waking up and
feeling groggy.
using the same vocabulary.
stale music.
the cold.
feeling like i need to..
planning my days.
my hesitance.
grocery shopping.
losing my keys.
banging the shampoo bottle
in order to get it to come out.
over analyzing behaviour.
needing company to be satisfied.
being there instead of here.
not meeting the new and fun.
sleepless nights.

im thrilled with...
my workout plan.
the smoothie i made this morning.
how much i laughed today.
the potential new winter coat
i may find.
all my blogging.
my dads new interest in working out.
flirting innocently.
my roomies and my lovely home.
the positive memories replacing the blah.
my dope doodle i did in class.
the fact that i love all my classes.
the addition to gymnastics into
my halifax life.
the florence kick I'm on.
feeling sexy.
the motown playlist i danced to today.
my precious sisters.
my snap chats.
my comfy bed.
being a complete weirdo.
the seconds to come.

the lonesome we all require

My found quietude..
where the innocence within rests.
I sing the melodies
of my pure existence.

In a hazy
raw
truth,
you'll find me.
basking in the lonesome.

Here I lay for
discovery.
the pulse from
the "else where"
is simply denied.

This is where time
collapses,
where the smoke lingers,
where I float.
This is my lonesome.

the lonesome we all require

- feel blue, think green, shine yellow,
adventure queen

Cons get sexy workout/day1

35 min running
Stretch

- 20 leg swings
- 20 hip raises
- 20 box jumps
X3

- 20 lunges ea. leg
- 40 squats
X3

- 1 min plank
X3

- 1 min leg raises
X2

- 1 min bicycle
X2

10  min spinning
Stretch

this smoothie is divine

- boathouse strawberry banana and greens smoothie juice
- 1/2 a banana
- few spinach leaves
- lots of blueberries
- pinch of hemp seeds
- little bit of plain yogurt

try it! yummy

read write enjoy

in love for twenty four hours

one day

what would you do if you could feel your passion's greatest potential for twenty four hours?

sometimes i imagine what i might be like if i could capture a moment containing love in its entirety.

that kind that makes you yearn, beg and plead for it to never leave your insides.

to be completely vulnerable to that someone and only recognize yourself as whole when you're against each other. 

I'm certain that i am capable of such raw emotion.

I know that my toes would curl and my heart would crave..

Could anyone handle being so far for not so long? 

And what might I be like when its a feeling of infinite loss?

Only twenty four hours

would you wish for it?

Stompa- Serena Ryder

Cannot help but dance 

adventure queen

adventure queen
a girl full of passion
she will not deny the pure
she does not fake a smile
a girl pretty in truth
she will let time escape
and she will never regret
a girl you lose in great depths
a mind powerful and complex
a girl no one fails to believe in
she's sweet and loving
a love unlike anything common
she will capture you
and she will find your gold
never thinking twice
she will accept today
she will paint pictures
and unveil poems in days
she is
and will be
lost
in
hazel mazes

is being vulnerable the idea that you are susceptible to emotional attack

or that you're throughly understood which is a rare occurrence?

not right

venture the vacant,
the stolen,
the released,
the defeated.

the way i move,
it tricks you,
it disguises,
it distracts.

my melody,
its muted,
its foreign,
its pain

you caved,
you misunderstood,
you failed,
you never really looked.