So I had a pretty difficult week. I was pretty much thrown around and smashed to the ground. I realized that no matter how much time passes and how much you think you healed... in the end you really have no grasp on it. I thought that I had passed the depression stage, that I had moved to a positive sector in my life, where I could help others and stay positive in everyday situations. I was sure I'd reached the point where I could be selfless and make certain days revolve around other peoples accomplishments or their struggles.
But yet I was the one fighting tears. I was the one that made a great day all about me.. and spelled pity all over it. I was the one that drowned in constant what ifs and non stop screaming. You think you've over come depression and then it literally slaps you in the face. I tried my best to make him happy, but at the end of the day I just wanted him there... beside me... calling me... watching red eye with me! I could admit how much my insides burned and how badly I missed him. Not for attention or sympathy but to prove the love I have for him.. and the impact he had on lives.
AHHH i miss you so .. and I truly wish I could stay positive for you.. and smile for you... but Im upset I don't have you to talk to, and I hate that you cant hug me. And I can write and write and write to solve this grief and the negativity, but it wont bring you back.. I just can't believe this is what defines my life now... a life without you. I miss you. You loved me. I hate that your life was taken... but I love that you were apart of mine xoxo
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