why?

1. your goofy giggle

2. the way you change lyrics

3. your almond eyes

4. the drastic difference between your hyper self
 and calm demeanour 

5. how having me to yourself turns you on 

6. the way you explain things. You have this adorable voice
 you put on and you sound so sexy and smart,
never condescending unless you are purposely being a lil shit

7. you never judge me 

8. you cried when you told me how much you loved me the other day.

9. You talk about the kind of dad you'll be

10. You let me love you the way I want to, SO MUCH LOVE

1) your grin when you know you're wrong but try and
 force me to believe you're right 

2) similar grin when your right and I'm wrong and
you force me to admit it
3) your lips. 

4) your family values 

5) I love how you are always trying to be better 

6) I also love how I don't feel judged by you 

7) I love how you always are open sexually 

8) I love how you're honest with me even when you think
 I might not like the topic of conversation 

9) I love how you have such passion for life and even in your darkest
moments you seem to see the light in everything 

10) I love your commitment. In everything and anything. I love you 

I'm still looking

I have struggled over the years admitting that I was depressed. I thought it meant I was weak, or lazy, or a way to take the easy way out. The past six years have been a rough battle for me. And what I’ve finally come to realize is that depression isn’t something that you can ignore, it won’t just disappear one day, and if you suppress it enough, it will lead you to darkness.

I have had to overcome loss, insomnia, suicidal thoughts, isolation, and emotional outbursts. I have been in so many doctors offices i’ve lost count. I have talked to several psychologist and a psychiatrist, I have been assessed for bi-polar disorder, I have joined group therapy groups. I have started self-help therapy programs, I have called help lines, I have been prescribed anti-depressants. Needless to say, there are a lot of resources out there to ‘cure’ depression. I’ve come to the conclusion that there is nothing you can do to make the darkness go away. Unfortunately, if you are born with depression, it is your sidekick for life.

I will never belittle the resources that are available for improving mental health, I do believe that cognitive therapy is a valuable outlet for victims that are able to express their feelings aloud. And that is the main goal isn't it, finding your outlet? I disagree. Sure, a good cry, scream, outburst, what have you, feels euphoric short-term. But. what about when that warm feeling subsides and you are back with your nasty sidekick. I would argue that outbursts are a good way of expressing or releasing that inner tension but fails to alleviate it.

So how does one alleviate that thief inside of them?


Find a connection. Find something that makes you fight. Find something that allows you to find worth in moments. Find support. Find peace. Find beauty.

Can’t find it?
Search harder?
Fuck, I don’t know.

quick.

1. we both are pathetically in love

2. we are best friends

3. i feel safe, like you'd protect me from anything

4. i find it FUN to think about you

5. we both want the good the bad the ugly

6. we push each other to be better

7. we don't care who is watching-  we will be absolute goofs

8. i don't care about anything else when i'm around you

9. we both are just down to explore

10. silence is comfortable 

shadows

“We’re all going to die, all of us. What a circus! That alone should make us love each other, but it doesn’t. We are terrorized and flattened by trivialities; we are eaten up by nothing.”

words mean something

'sometimes I feel you're the best thing that's happened to me lately'

hazel

It bursts
through you,
This warmth,
that heals mangled hearts.

Plagued by you,
I'm wrapped up
in the precious.

Making air glitter,
and silence sing,
that gloom escapes,
no longer a tragic beauty.

Lost, you may
solve hazel mazes.
two misguided bodies
who
spin.

Captive,
imprisoned by that warmth again.
You're an absolute mishap.
Blurred risks,
we lay in safe rubble.

I hold dear, that breath
I stole.

feel blue, think green, shine yellow
adventure queen
O - Coldplay 

enough

things that make me smile..

playing guitar

sweating

lifting weights

chase challenging me

new coaching job

working with kids

the sun

running

the water

beautiful views

coldplay

calls from jess

the honest answers people gave me

people recognizing my strengths

my dad is coming to visit

spending time with my friends again

my dads ridiculous posts on Facebook

my mom confiding in me

i've lost weight

i feel stronger

memories of this summer

my new degree 

I'm going into final year

i have so much love that surrounds me

being self aware

I'm writing again

i want to be writing again

singing

maybe writing a song?

liv, what a fucking gem

chris, never failing to spark a smile

josh, for reminding me that i may have lost a lot but i have so much

tacos! 

i bought cheese

getting dad birthday gift

feeling less suffocated

forgiveness

commitment to my best self

flipping

therapy

my friends who step up

not being afraid of being honest even if it makes me vulnerable 

moving in with pete

jamming out with pete

learning again

all my adventures with boyceman

laughing

getting points in jeopardy 

meeting new people

getting my tattoo 

avicii songs

sky full of stars 

my love for music

dancing 

handstands

coaching again

halifax

being spontaneous

road tripping

boyce reading out loud to me

finding out that i can nap

sleeping incredibly well

finding mornings fine

coffee

things I'm tired of...

'are you ok?'

'when is your next appointment'

being afraid to be alone

needing

eating unhealthy shit

walking up hills when i should be running them

not seeing Bren

my shoulder injury

nikker not being nikker

my sisters fighting

my family fighting

missing people

people telling me i give too much

giving too much

the radio

bills, i don't even have many

visa

pleasing others 

therapy

empty promises

empty statements

depending on people

needing approval 

missing home

being called a lesbian

being called judgemental

not liking chicken

bleeding

relationships

needing to be held

thinking I'm weak but knowing I'm strong

crying in front of people

vulnerability 

peoples opinions 

days that go by slowly 

not being busy

'you've gone through so much'

'retarded'

questions

my messy house

living with boys

being confused

being dehydrated

not finishing books, i have 3 on the go now

winter coming

being so self aware

forgiving 

being bullied

constantly trying 

headaches 

my kneecap being bruised

ego

lies

alcohol 

weed

coke

giving up when a run is hard

bulking up

lying to people

hormones

zits

being tired of things

complaining when i have so much to be happy about

thinking more about what I'm losing or lost then what I'm so lucky to have

laundry

junk mail 

my phone

texting

people not answering

caring so much about what people are doing

plans falling through

guarded

Wrapped up tight
in the precious.
I feel bound.

Sometimes this is a restraint,
I hide in your chest,
utterly ignorant.

Free it seems,
guarded I am.
Protecting myself
and silencing
suppressed melodies.

I'd paint your world,
we'd run wild.
I'd call you mine
and we'd shine.

Two stories laced
like webs of struggle
and repaired hearts.

Exposed and insane.
I want to stop hiding
but still be wrapped up
tight in the precious.

feel blue, think green, shine yellow,
adventurequeen

coldplay-charlie brown

?

I've been toying so much with the heaviness,
Those ideas that are not my own.
The pressures to identify exactly what something is
As if the fact that its special,
just won't suffice.

This dark cloud follows me around.

But when I breathe, and I'm me,
and I'm with you,
Its peachy,
I love it, actually.

So, why not be my best self?
Let the clouds clear..
Be the girl that sees the best in people,
and isn't afraid to just simply be.

I know,
I feel,
And I smile.

If I know only the truth,
If I feel lovely,
If my cheeks ache when I leave you..

As of right now,
what the fuck is the problem?

I should

A daily challenge.
I go to sleep with you on my brain,
therefore,
I dream of you.
Then I wake up thinking about you.

I've been thinking about you.
To say the very least.
The worst part is,
is I don't like thinking about you anymore.

This special special pull
I had toward you,
feels awful now.
It is the reason I can't leave
And the reason why I liked you so
very much.

When I talk to you now,
its fake..
and I'm pretending.
This is turning into such a mess.

I need to leave.
But how do I do that,
when I can't shake the fact
that maybe it won't just be for now.

If I see you,
to talk this through
I'll stab you in the heart.
You'll know I'm leaving for good.

You've made me think that I can't leave you.
I can
And
I should

fuck.

go read it all ..

I don't understand.

You killed her.
you took her made her feel loved
and then left.
And not in a classy way.

You are scum.
I want to punch you.
You're so terrible.
you fucked with her
And that is
cruel.

If you only knew..
just the pain and agony you've
cause this beautiful girl.
Shed treading, and doing her best,
but you destroyed her.

fuck you.
fuck you.
go fuck yourself.

I want you to read her words
and feel like a piece of garbage.

You probably have zero clue.
none.
that you are worthless.

it hurts

didn't you ever learn, not to break a heart
you never earned?

Time of Death...

Voices of opinion creep in to my life
and they paint this picture that
I won't fathom.
Entertaining the ideas of you draped in
the terrible,
I'm simply not capable of it.

I've weaved this web of ideas,
what will be.
Why would I want that?
Waking each morning wondering,
is today the day?

Its cruel to torture yourself
in such a way.
You are being selfish,
keeping me but not holding me.

I can walk,
and I will
because this feeling
is scraping away
what was good about it.

I don't want people in my ear.
It makes me defend you.
And I shouldn't have to.
You're doing what you can
and you've been speaking
kindly and honestly.

I need out.
I need to protect myself.
But i am so challenged by
the plague of not ever seeing you again.

I can't half be in your life.
It will crash and burn.
I won't volunteer to ruin a beautiful feeling and memory.

I was happy,
now,
I don't like this.

I call the time of death.
Move on.
You lost me.

'miss you already'

I'd say it to you, but I lost your number...

I have this feeling of relief.
Like i've been stressed over this situation for far too long
I know I did the right thing, because it was really tough to do.
I'm not playing it safe, I'm taking a risk.

I know that this has been a roller coaster from the get go,
but thats because i scared you.
I made you feel.
you like me, and you hate it.

So what now?
well, you find your way,
I'll do me.
Sure, it isn't an easy task,
but I need to be happy on my own anyway,

I don't regret a single thing.
I was honest with you from the start.
I did and felt everything for a reason.

I don't need to be caught in this mess with you.
Its all your mess.
I kissed you goodbye,
in hopes that I'd find your lips again someday

Im sure we will meet again, and we will have
a definitive answer.
See you never,
or lets be with each other fully.

Im excited to make that decision.
Not now,
so goodbye for now.

Please be smart,
and kind to yourself.
I want only for you to find your way.

Kels

Breeze

Stone cold,
quite petrified to leave you.
There is a natural pull,
it strings me to you.

The breeze,
embraces me,
louring me to the
space that exists
without you.

Your musk,
it makes me crave,
Let me curl into
you.

Those eyes of yours,
they paint me as cute.
Why won't the ill
wash over you now?
Please wash away.

It's there though,
it dances between us.
I can't help but grin,
as it gleams.


Lusting your lips,
Let me steal a bit of you.


I'm with the breeze now.
miss you already..

Fighting for Clarity and Emptiness

So cluttered and cruel, 

that haze refusing to be meek, 

weighs you down as if you 

stumble; drenched in angst.

Weave me together with

dread and malaise,

as I'm haunted by

my redundant frame of mind.

Shed me the light,

that gleams for fighters,

Victory may shine but,

Clarity is my ambition.

Study this instant,

a stagnant second,

no flow of heaviness,

an empty opportunity.

Seize, and embrace

for it is fleeting.

Escaping is the importance of what really matters.

Suffocated by what has been and what may be, 

I have forgotten what it is like to simply be.

Often times its the haze that masks the 

fleeting happiness of an instant.

No need for angst and dread,

I am a fighter not looking for a win

but rather searching for a moment of emptiness.

Not empty of meaning but of weight and cruelty.

Rid of distractions from what is occurring around me 

NOW.

My mind

My moment

Redesigned.

Feel blue, think green, shine yellow,

adventureQUEEN

...

I can't describe -
How the yearning hides.

How it waits
Until the dead of night,
To wear upon the mind.

eat pray love- see through the blue

People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that’s what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.

A true soul mate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.

A soul mate’s purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life…